Lead with humble graciousness

 Time isn't something to waste or be wasted. Silent slay eras for generational curse breakers are very serious matters indeed. I feel the weight of wanting to achieve goals hovering; perhaps, more heavily then others whom take for granted their day's not present enough to appreciate each hour, day to day.

I firstly admit to being a work in progress.

Collectively: If your not here to enjoy a moment, along this journey with me; As we go; then -respectfully -kick off

Simple - time of silent action

I recognize that I tend to sway toward ambiversion in the since that with in interactions toward others time is spent simple & effortless.

I require gargantuan amounts of time to rebalance & rest. Decompressing from so much noise built into our days. I have become a little more quiet these days.

Yet Primarily I tend to pull positivity from everything around me in order to lead with grace assuming good intent unto others; living be example, as to how to conduct ones self.

Slow living in communications study; To understand better has become captivating to my mind to mull over.

Reading body language so that communications flow better.

The art of listening at every turn.

Generational Disfunction, Reflection

7pm delta flight to grandmother's split house.

Threw 3 separate dormant mountain ranges.

Those woods are uncomfortably far. 8'ish hours far too far! 28 years too far.
15 years reflection from the time I definitely knew something was unbalanced; dysfunctional. 

At an early yet crippled age of 12. I acknowledge that my inner child is vastly vexed.

That turning point when flight should kick in & all escape roots to secret life plotting & noted life lessons should sink in.  That is about 15% in.  

I can plotted better!  

It's worth noting that at the time & in my own way I did plot my escape. For the most part. 
Stock piled for the life I knew I would have. trauma response
The lesson was to act like I had it.  Treat it as though it should be.  Pretend as though everything was fine. So fine. Training for a career of faking it till you make it.

I am my publisher. Writing my prodigal memoir, as an example to learn from.  

I should place the full truth on the line in the form of a comedic stand up roast.
Life is one twisted joke after all & I am the comic relief in the family. 

Bitter sidewalks delivered 13

 I didn't want to leave but I also couldn't stay.
2010 carried such a bitter close.

To start with, I hadn't plotted hard enough to stay.  Nor had I been taught or learned to survive. All that was ever offered to me was idle conspiratory theory!! All the acts of preservation within escapism prolonged my suffrage. 

I'd stock piled enough for my own life. I needed to fall into grips with what i was dealt.  Gathering no real achievable plan to propel myself forward.  Definitely ready for my own way; but finding that I was taking a back burn to a way forward.
Languishing, Dragging on. Waiting for an out.  Without vision.

It wasn't the city, the places, or my stomping grounds that I was struggling with.
Sticking around my stomping grounds, was the way I chose to cope with the horrible reality of being a middle Sweden to the selfish & difunctionally abusive habits of others that I found discomfort in. 
I realize that now, in retro spec.
The ghost; is my parents dysfunctional relationship, full of crazed dissatisfaction, rampit onto others. I've found that I am a sort of crutch for my mother.  I don't regret giving back to her the support & comfort she sot.  I could have help a better supporting role.
I recall knowing from age 13 forward, there was something silent & horrible going on.
15 years I stood by, being driven batty.
9 years over due for my own life.

I blame the lack of side walks for bringing me this perspective.
I miss my haunts & my kind & loyal best friends. Few as they are
The hand full of them are well enough.  I very much enjoy seeing them succeed & thrive.

I never really came up with a way to tell those closest to me, that the time had arrived for the next terrible chapter.  I had spoken on the topic from time to time, but never announced it properly. With definitive move dates.  Only, skipping past everything into perpetual life updates.  

Two years in the too quiet boarder B.L.M forested woods, drove me to miss sidewalks.  The deer chewed their midnight dinner so loudly among the wind whispering threw the evergreen trees, it made me plot unapologetic slaughter to my vegetarian animal friends.
Church & grocery's where the most exciting chores. Followed by seasonal community happenings.
If not for the lack of challenging work, & familiar comforts; that sort of peaceful existence would have been enjoyable.

2013. Thanksgiving; delivered me to Seattle with plans for an Oct.18th 2014 wedding party.
Had I forseen the next 9 years, I wish my 19 year old self had been shoulder shook into since in telling all to F off while I finish my goals.

Disheveled, Carnivorous, Handfull of BFF's

2010 decade of robbery, that of unrecoverable timing.  

Stifled escapism. vicious disappointment.  

City of familiar ground.  

In my own company, At the very least not alone.  Free from filler assumptions & boundless untruths

Over the river & threw the woods OR: edged desert ripe with valley ever greens, sparks of creative focus. isolated quiet 

I've never shied away from manageable challenges, standing firm enduring the storm till it passes 

Uncomfortability in trade for precise gain.  Calculated response. 

 individual path to freely express.  Free from destructive beliefs inground into the generational patterns of social conditioning. judgement free. 

living while letting others live.  That dry straining urge to move forward under my own values.

Hunt is on: Carnivorous

impossible Feral Flanur, 

lingering languishing in injustice to my potential, to express myself in my own time. 

I haven't learned perspective focus till Time has gotten ripped off from my path. 

I only ever accomplished escapism. 

Writing promts

Writing prompt collection:  apply if they inspire.

Spilt : RECOMMENDED TIME: 7 minutes
Begin with: "The rain came down & ruined what was left of the cake."

F. or F. : recommended time: 15 minutes

Pick one or all quotes & expand what thoughts come to mind after reading them.

Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life.

imagine if we were all trapped in space, applying our talents to projects, focusing, balancing our time wisely!

"True art is characterized by an irresistible urge in the creative artist."

 -Albert Einstein

 "Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."

 -Pablo Picasso

 "Art is the transmission of feeling the artist has experienced."

-Leo Tolstoy

 "No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If they did, they would cease to be an artist."

-Oscar Wilde

Bit off song cap: Gaunt, loaded smile. 

Refer to bookmarked topics

Dedicate a chapter to: I just imagine I am surrounded by tiny midget clown -who can be mad at something so tiny

Dream Log | N.E.S.S.

I find myself getting woken up during the night with the most bizarre dreams. 

& I don't just mean every once in a while, or scattered.  

I mean nightly R E M cycle bizarre dreams.  

For about a year or more around 2014, I dreamed consistently that I was a vampire slayer.

I miss being able to sleep restfully, to be honest.

This morning it was that I was getting chased by these 3 boys (Never ending story style) into a dumpster. When they found me, they kept bullying me.  Plenty of pushing & disheveling.  I woke up right after they all thought it would be fun to spit all over my face! 

Appalled & Outraged!   wide awake, I got up for water. It was around 4am.  

It was 42* D: Blanket snuggles weather.

Jan/Feb 2021 I've been vividly dreaming: of a figure; which mimics the form of either -myself {be it a mirror image of me} -or another character.  This Figure has taken to drifting threw the whatever dream I'm currently having at the time directly into walking threw our hallway in our apartment, into our room, where it stands at the foot of our bed; looming, observant. 

Recently, I've not only dreamed of this a hand full of times. The first time this happened I jolted out of bed, a bit angry; in full fight mode, stating for whatever it was to knock it off. The second time there was a presence hovering over my side of the room, thick & heavy, I noted the event & rolled over going back to sleep. miffed for having been woken.

Each time it happens is slightly different & unsettling.

It started when I witnessed a shadow figure dart from the foot of our bed, on my side & disappear.  which was a bit interesting. 

Oct.2022 The other night, I wasn't exactly sleeping deeply. I vividly saw people holding onto their reusable bags fully standing in them flying into the sky as though they where on an unseen escalator off into whichever direction they where headed.

Dec. 31st 2022 there was a med sized presence sitting on the bed next to Marks right leg the other night. Part of me wanted to either reach over & pet it or wave it off. whatever it was didn't really feel innocent.